


If I Should Die

by JohnDaveSwag



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Grimdark, M/M, Sad, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-15
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 09:39:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/685510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnDaveSwag/pseuds/JohnDaveSwag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert is sick and no one seems to know why. The only thing John really knows is that it all started after the game ended.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue of Sorts

John coughed up some more blood into his bathroom sink, watching the most of the blood swirl into the drain , only a few clots of it getting stuck outside it, it was getting worse now and in a week give or take a few days the illness would finally dominate his body completely , and he would die. Not a quick painless death in his sleep , at least according to the doctors, but most likely he'd gag on his own blood. He hadn't told Dave yet, not about how much time he had left or that he even had the illness, hell he didn't even know exactly what the illness was, none of the doctors he's been shipped to and from over the past few months have been able to figure it out. He had had bloodtests, MRIs , CAT scans, x-rays, the whole nine yards and then some. And each time every doctor his dad had him seeing said the same thing in their own little way: "I don't know." It wasn't comforting to hear that one time ,and it was just plain unnerving to hear it countless times after that. The doctors were supposed to know the things you didn't , they were supposed to help cure people . And here they couldn't seem to come up with anything but what John already had told them, which were mainly his ever growing list of symptoms. All John knew for a straight fact about what ever he had that was it started to appear after the game session was finished.


	2. The Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Ivring looks over John's case file , and John waits for his answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is mainly just so you know Johns full out symptoms and show kinda what he's going through

Dr. Ivering looked at his newest patient's chart, furrowing his brow . All these symptoms just didn't add up. The test results proved to be overall inconclusive except for telling him that , his patient's symptoms would keep getting worse unless he could pinpoint what was causing all of his symptoms. The list of symptoms read:

Bruising and discoloration all over body with no recent injuries.  
Reported sudden numbness in left arm that "comes and goes"   
Seizures that " Started out just once about 6 months ago but lately have been occurring more often" ( Paitent himself has no memory of these seizures , but father reported these happenings)  
Blackouts, the patient has entire chunks of days missing in his mind.  
Extreme itching and burning on neck , "It feels like there are a thousand bugs just crawling up my neck , except its not on the outside of my skin , it's inside."  
Hoarse voice, the patient sounded like he was close to losing his voice all together  
Double vision , even with prescription glasses on.  
Decreased Night vision  
Frequent Nose bleeding   
Decreased smell  
Extremely enlarged and swollen glands  
Extreme sensitivity to noise  
Swollen tonsils   
Decreased appetite  
Constant chills  
Crying during sleep ( Seen by patient's father as well as lover )  
Dizziness   
Loss of coordination ( confirmed after physical tests)  
Sudden weight loss (unintentional , patient lost 5 pounds in a week)  
Tires easily  
Blue colored lips ( made worse by sneezing and or coughing)  
Skin a unsafe shade of yellow  
Labored breathing  
Irregular heartbeat  
Yellow white of eyes

The blood tests had ruled out intoxication and concaine abuse, which led him at a dead end , the same spot many doctors before him had been in. It was sad to see a 16 year old boy in all this pain, and considering the way the symptoms were treating the child now, he might not even live to see 17. Dr. Ivering tapped a nurse passing by and asked how John, the boy in room 216 was doing.  
"The last time I went in there he was sleeping, the poor thing is probably tired from having tests run on him left and right." The nurse said this sadly , shaking her head as she walked away to handle a code blue . Dr.Ivering knew she was probably right, all those test could intact take a toll on ones body. On the other hand tests usually could tell you a lot about the paitent's condition , making them a nesscity . Even though the tests so far had borne no conclusive fruits , there were other things that could be done. He could do a biopsy of a fragment of the boy's skin muscle and bone and test them to see if there were any abnormalities , maybe even grab a piece of the boys brain , and if he was lucky abnormalities that had never been found before could be discovered. And if they were, this poor child would be Ivering's ticket to success.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
John's POV  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
John sat up in his hospital bed, staring at the blank white wall in front of him, listening to the constant beat of a heart monitor, a sound he'd grown accustomed . John thought that it was pretty sad that he'd gotten used to being in a hospital, by now he could call hospitals his third home, considering how much time he currently spent in them. Being in a hospital room for hours on end waiting for a doctor to give you an answer gave you some time to think , and after thinking for awhile he'd come to accept what fate had to throw at him. He was okay with the thought of him dying, it didn't make him happy but it was okay. John took a shakey breath and closed his eyes suddenly, the pain in his head returning.


	3. Waiting For an Answer part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes over how his illness affects other people in his life.

John was still in his hospital room, waiting for Dr.Ivering to give him the same old answer as the rest , when he let his thoughts drift into the realization that the people closest to him , seemed to be in deep denial. John's own father for one, kept saying that somewhere out there, that there was a doctor who could help him, a doctor who could save him , and that he'd keep searching until he found that doctor. His father seemed so convinced that he wasn't going to die, always saying that it would be all right, that John would be okay and that there was no need to worry, it was almost like a chant or a broken record the way he kept saying it. Johns father had stretched their savings to the limit just so John could see , more doctors, have more tests done and maybe after all of that , there would be an answer. John wasn't sure how much money they had had to start, but he knew it wouldn't last forever, just like the insurance company paying wouldn't last, eventually there would be nothing left. John almost wished his father would just stop it already , just realize that to keep on doing this was a waste of money, it had been gone when the insurance had been paying , but they stopped so now all the bills were being paid straight out of his dads pocket. Part of John guessed that his dad was trying to do any parent would want to do , to try and save their child at all costs. John knew his dad cared about him , if him saying that to him wasn't enough, all John had to do was remember the pasts visits to the hospitals . During all his hospital stays, or every time the symptoms got worse and John felt like he just couldn't take it anymore , he never once saw his father lose hope or shed a tear. He was always saying,  
"We'll get through this , Son." John had a feeling that all this optimisim was just a face his dad put on , and that when his dad wasn't with him, when visiting hours ended , behind the doors of his study where no one could see him falter, his dad let himself be sad and worried and showed all the things he wanted no one to see. John knew his father hated to see him sad, and that was the reason he thought his dad kept pushing, even though it was clear that they'd hit a dead end . His father didn't need hope, he didn't say that everything was going to be okay for his own benefit, it was more over the fact that he didn't want to see John lose hope and succumb to this illness.


	4. Waiting for a Answer part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So this takes place right after the last chapter , to tell the truth I only broke them in two because my hands got tired hehe

John knew that his dad would be sad when he died, but his dad was strong, he would go on with his life, maybe not as happy as he was before , but he would get by. No John wasn't really worried about his father at all. John winced as a harsh cough shook his body and blood was expelled on to the pure white sheets, cutting off his train of thought . This coughing fit lasted for about five minutes , but to John those minutes were hours of gut wrenching pain. The whole ordeal left John with his head in between his knees crying, his throat on fire, and his runs feeling as though they had just been given a round of harsh kicks. It took John awhile of just breathing deeply, or as deeply as he could with his breaths just coming out in rasps , to regain his thoughts. Yes, the person John was most worried about wasn't his dad, it was his boyfriend Dave . Dave on the outside if you hadn't gotten to know him appeared cool and stoic. He left a vibe around himself that made him appear unfeeling and maybe more or less like he was a jackass. But for John , he didn't really see that in him . Maybe at first he had , but that was a long time ago and over the years he grew to be extremely close to Dave , and got to see what he was really like with his guard down. He had learned that Dave could be your rock, the person that you leaned on , but he also learned that Dave could be very needy and beneath it all Dave was codependent and needed someone who could be his rock when he needed it , but also someone he could take care of. John remembered the one time he broke up with Dave , it was because he kept lying and cheating on him no matter how many chances he gave him and John had just reached the end of the line and told Dave that they were over. Dave had said that John would regret it, and sure enough , the breakup only lasted about a total of six hours before John came running back to him, freshly bought teddy bear in hand , regretting his choice . It was when he went over to Dave's house to apologize , get back together and maybe have some makeup sex, that he found Dave sprawled out on the living room floor of his apartment , pants around his knees ,scattered open pill bottles and beer everywhere. It was clear to John the moment he saw Dave that he was high and drunk. Dave had looked like he had taken a sharp turn for the worse , seeming as if he had almost overdosed and killed himself but someone had stopped him. Dave later told him that it was Bro who had stopped him, telling him that he'd had enough. After Dave finished vomiting up the pills and beer, John asked him why the hell he would do something like that to himself, and Dave's response was  
" I did it because I don't want to live without you." John hadn't really know what to think at that moment , but he was pretty sure he said something along the lines that he wasn't worth killing yourself over , to which Dave firmly disagreed with him. In the end Dave proved to John that their relationship was more than just a quick lay to him, by refusing to have sex with John for two weeks. Thinking about it again made John blush a bit . But ever since then , John worried about Dave more than usual , he worried that Dave would hurt himself and the very thought of that made John want to cry. But if John died he knew Dave would , well in the shortest amount of words , flip the fuck out. And Dave flipping the fuck out was never a good thing, which is why he still hasn't told him that he was even sick . Although considering how little John was at home now a days , he figured that Dave probably picked up that something was wrong , even if he hadn't asked him about it .


	5. Cats out of the Bag part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave learns about John being sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapters in Dave's point of view

Dave knew. Dave knew that there was something wrong with John , it was pretty clear that he wasn't his usual joking self. The last few times they had been together , John had fallen asleep after just a bit of making out . Just walking up stairs seemed to tire John out , and to Dave seeing him like that was unnerving . He hadn't asked John if he was okay yet, part of him not wanting to know the answer. What if John had cancer or something? Dave knew there were treatments but still, seeing poor ,innocent John hooked up to machines and losing his hair.... Dave shook his head. John will be fine, John IS fine, he thought to himself, just a bit of a cold or something. There was still a feeling of uneasiness tugging at Dave's mind though. John is fine, he repeated in his mind. But still a bit weary , Dave pulled out his iPhone and started to dial John's number, thinking that once he talked to him, once he heard his voice , then he would stop worrying over nothing. However , Dave didn't get to talk to John , he got his voice mail. It seemed like that was all be got now, voice mail, or auto responder for texts. Dave sighed and glanced up at the ceiling .  
"Maybe I should go see him" , he said to no one in particularly, stuffing his hands in his pockets .   
"See who?" , a voice from behind him asked. Dave turned around and saw that it was just Bro. He let out a breath and looked up at him.  
"John, he hasn't been answering his phone lately and I just want to see what's up." After Dave said this Bro frowned.  
" Listen Lil' Man I'm pretty sure he isn't home." Bro shifted a bit , avoiding looking at Dave in the eye, not wanting to be the one to tell him, wanting to shelter him a bit from the pain. Dave glared at Bro.  
" Why the hell wouldn't be he home?" Dave said this , his cheeks getting a bit red under his shades. Bro sighed deeply.  
" Calm down. I ... He.... Just ... Look Dave . I guess you're old enough now for me to be straight with you on some things." Dave ran up to Bro and held up a fist.   
" Did. You. Fuck. John . Bro? Because that is so not fucking cool, it's not even fucking okay!" Bro raised up his hands in an "I'm innocent " posture .  
" Chill, I didn't fuck John , it's not even about something like that. It's about John being sick...." Bro watched as Dave took a step back.  
" Yeah he's been tired lately but it's probably just a cold or something, what about it?", Dave said , giving Bro a look that clearly said what the fuck.   
" It's not a cold. It's a lot worse than a cold and he isn't home because.... He's at the hospital, he has been for the past two days .." Dave punched Bro in the face after he finished talking.  
" JOHN WAS IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL FOR TWO DAYS AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME? WHAT THE FUCK BRO?" Dave shouted this as he sat ontop of his older brother , who was now on the ground , and shook him fiercely by the shoulders .  
" Dave, it's bad. I didn't want to tell you cause, it's real bad." Bro looked up at Dave.  
" How Bad?" Dave said, loosening his grip on Bro's shoulders. Bro frowned.  
" He might... He might not live."


	6. Cat's out of the Bag part 2

"What do you mean he might not live?" Dave said his voice shaking slightly as he struggled not to cry.  
" He. Might. Not. Live. There wasn't anymore to it Lil' Man." Bro looked at Dave sadly, knowing how bad this must hurt him.  
" N-no , No. John's fine , he would have told me if he wasn't fine . " Dave gave a shaky smile before continuing , " That's right, you're just pulling my leg. Good one Bro. Although I don't see the irony in it." Bro looked at Dave and sighed deeply.  
" Dave. There is. No. Irony. It's not a prank." Dave got off of Bro, standing up and looking down at him angrily.   
" Bullshit. Bull fucking shit! Nothing's wrong with John , John's fine! What the fuck do you know Bro!? YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT!" Dave picked up his car keys, turning away from him , holding back his tears.  
" Dave. He's not going to be there...." , Bro sat up wearily and looked up at his bothers with eyes of deep pity.  
" Well if you know so fucking much about MY fucking boyfriend , then tell me how do you know he might not live?"   
" John's Dad told me. ", Bro said this firmly.  
" Well can't they get a second opinion ?! I mean one fucking doctor can't just say you're going to die. That doesn't make it a done fucking deal!" , Dave punched one of the coffee tables, feeling nothing but anger boiling up inside him. Bro stood up and placed a hand on one of Dave's shoulders.  
" They've been to more than one doctor. They've been to more than ten. None of them know what's wrong , but at the rate John's getting worse..-" Dave looked away from Bro.  
" Don't fucking say it." , Dave said, balling his hands into fists, " It won-, no I won't let it happen."   
" Dave you can't stop fat--" Dave flipped around to look at his older brother, and glared up at him.  
" Yes I can! I'll save him! I won't let him die! Do you even know how much I fucking need him!?"   
"Look all you can do now is just be there for him...."  
" I will. Find. A . Fucking . Way."


End file.
